For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
