god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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