I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
