if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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