Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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