I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
