I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
