just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
