i think my mom watched the whole time
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
