I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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