Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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