eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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