All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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