Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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