You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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