Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
