Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
