I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
