my vag is so smooth its legendary
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
