My Higher Power is John Stamos
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
