I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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