We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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