I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
