I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
