Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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