im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
