Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
