Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
