just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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