He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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