my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
