please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize