How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
