Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
