Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
