i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
