Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
