so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize