the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
