you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
