Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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