What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
