On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
