This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
