just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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