My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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