Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.