Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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