god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's blow job season.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
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I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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