tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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