I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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