Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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