Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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