I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
