i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
