Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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