Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
